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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Chapter Two - I'm Not Giving Up!

Friday, September 18Th 1987

This is the first full day of the new Samantha! It was clear tonight when he came home that he didn't want to hear about my troubles. He sat on the couch starring at the TV while I was trying to talk to him. I wanted him to just reach up and grab me and hug me. Instead, during a commercial he looked at me and said "What's your fucking problem? You know I don't want to hear it?" It was like he hit me across the face with his fist. My stomach turned cold and my eye's began to fill with tears. I got up quickly and walked down the hall into the bedroom. Where I stood at the window, starring outside. I swear sometimes I think all my troubles would just go away if he would just touch me. The only time he does is when he wants sex. Of course I am expected to perform on command! Is this normal? does everyone feel this way? What is wrong with me? Why do I seem to be fighting this so much?

I have no idea how this new me will be. I know though it must last the rest of my life. I cannot turn back. I wish I could talk to JP yet you heard him he doesn’t really want to hear that stuff. No one does. Come on Samantha don’t start! You are a grown up person. You should never talk to people about your thoughts. You know that they don’t want to hear anything you have to say.

I watch the stars moving, blinking, realizing they are airplanes in the night. I wonder where they are going. Do the woman in there have husband's that talk to them, or listen to them? I think the movies all lie. Why don't they make a movie about a real married couple. Where the man never listens to his wife and the wife works herself to the bone to keep the household together?

Even I know the answer to that one.

I wipe my tears that are rolling down my face on my shirt. I can't even afford tissue! Life stinks!



Saturday, September 19Th 1987


I bought some plants today. I think I got a real good deal! I got up to go to the farmers market today. I asked JP if he wanted to go. He just squirmed in bed and rolled over. Now, as I walk in the front door with plants in my hand he is sitting once again on the couch in the living room. He is watching racing. I know better then to disturb him. He has worked hard all week and deserves to rest. I do however, worry about JP. I mean he sits there like a bump on a log. I try hard to get him to go somewhere. He just says no, he’s bored. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't he always going to be bored if he doesn't get up and do something? I guess I shouldn't worry about it. I did marry him for better or worse.

My Birthday is next week. It will be the first birthday of mine since we met. I wonder what he will get me? I’m excited! Birthday's are just one day that you use to celebrate the 'special person'. I talked to JP about it. I think he was listening. I know we don't have a lot of money. I did tell him a card would be wonderful. He just grunted.

I put the plants on the patio, arranging them for both us inside and those outside to see how beautiful they are. Now, if I can just remember to water them.

Tomorrow we have to go to Oakland and visit with Jude. I don't really want to go. We only seem to visit with his friends. He says my friends only use me. I know I can't voice my opinion anymore but it hurts. The closer it gets the more fearful I am that I may say something that will get me in trouble. Yet, with this new me, maybe not. I feel good about myself, a little. Maybe this time I will be able to sit there and be a good wife. Not say anything and let them all have a good time.

Oh lets just be honest with ourselves. The only reason we go over to Judes house is to get stoned and play music. I am expected to sit there and smile and look pretty. I am not to talk and since I have never done pot, or smoked I should say, I find the whole occasion boring. I mean really, what is it with pot that makes people so happy to just sit on the couch and star at a guitar? Then start laughing about it? I'd rather eat my shoe's!

Night

I finally finished my chores. JP left about an hour ago to go to Ron's apartment and help fix Charles' car. It was right about the time I started the vacuum cleaner. I don't blame him. My great grandmother always told me that vacuum cleaners hurt men's hears. Maybe that's really true.

I sit all alone. Lonely. I walked over to Ron's house to see him. He wasn’t there. If they were fixing a car wouldn't they be outside where the car was? My temptation to knock on the door was let wild! I walked up to the door and I remembered, the new me! All of this work trying to be the good wife. I turned and walked away. I love him so much why wouldn't he be there? His not keeping in touch with me is just - I can't describe.

I turn and walk back to our apartment. The apartment that I should be sharing with my husband. He is rarely home and when he is he spends it in front of the Television. I again wonder how other women put up with this? Is this really what a marriage is all about? Walking up the stairs I hear my friend Stacey yelling at her boyfriend. You can hear Anthony yelling back at her to "Shut up Stacey!"

I realize my life is totally normal. With the exception that I can not seem to be happy! What is wrong with me that I can not seem to be happy?


Sunday September 20Th, 1987

I am tired. It is near midnight and I have to work the next day and we are still at Jude's house. JP has drank way to much and now I am scared. How do I tell him he is too drunk to drive? I don't!

We finally are leaving and I mention that I would love to drive for a change. "Bitch, you drive like and idiot!" He quips back at me.

I expected his words, but I'm scared. "I promise to drive good. Give me the chance?" I am pleading. Watching my words carefully so as not to tip him off that I know he shouldn't be driving.

He opens the drivers door, looks at me "Get in the fucking car before I leave you". He holds his hand out to Jude, who hands him the joint he is holding. JP draws it up to his lips, takes a large drag off of it and hands it back to Jude. Waves his 'salute' as he is still holding his breath and gets in the car.

My brain scrambles to weigh its options. I have no money for a taxi, I am 45 miles away from home, its dark, It's Oakland and I am a blond female! The engine to the car revs up and I race to get into the passenger seat. The tire squeals off as my door is shutting and I hurry to get my seat belt on. Pulling the belt tightly across my chest I hold on to it!

JP exhales, "Who the fuck you are?" His accent thick and his words slurring.

It is the sentence that I was praying he wouldn't say. It's the sentence that says I am stupid and I should have known better then to insinuate he was to drunk and stoned to drive. Let alone to say this in front of his friend. I am doomed. I am locked in a car going 85 miles an hour down 880 with a man that is stoned, drunk and determined to show me who is boss. I sit as still as I can, my face turned to the side window as I watch the stars in the sky.

"Who the fuck you are?" He screams again. Did he think I didn't hear him? I don't dare answer. He wants to fight and I am to tired. I will myself home. Please God, let me get home in one piece.

We can't afford for him to get stopped again. He already has a court date tomorrow for his other tickets. When is he ever going to learn? What will the officer say to me if they stop us, when they realize that I am sober and in the passenger seat? Would they let me whisper to them that I tried? Would they even believe me? Would they take me in also for letting him get behind the wheel like this? He is going 105 now, passing cars like they are standing still and swerving through all the lanes. Please, Someone please help me!

I can see JP turn to look towards me. "fuck you!" he says as he raises his right hand up and pushes my shoulder into the passenger door. I raise my hands up to my head as quickly as I can in hopes to protect it if he pushes me again. "fuck you, bitch" He yells at me again as he places his hand back on the steering wheel "fuck, you're not worth it."

I sit frozen with my hands up. Realizing he is done. His point has been received. I was wrong and should have never said anything. I broke rules #1, 2, 3, 8, 9 and 10 all in one moment. I put my hands on my shoulder, holding myself, as if I am cold. In reality I am shaking. I stare at the stars, willing the tears not to come. They are welled up in my eyes, one blink and they start to fall. I can't seem to get it right. I'm not giving up, I can get this right I know I can. My mother was married for years to my father. I can do this.

I wish I was on a star, looking down at this moment, like it was a bad dream. I will myself to forget, and concentrate on what I can do to be better. Tomorrow will be better. I turn my head as if to look behind the passengers door and wipe my tears. Turning back I look straight forward, my shoulder's relax for a moment as I see our exit. Hamilton Avenue is right in front of me, we are only 5 minutes away from being home. We drive in silence till we get home.


Sunday, September 27, 1987

My birthday came and went with nothing. Not even a card. I got one each from my parents. Mom's came a few days before and I was sure to put it on the entertainment center. He couldn't have missed it! I wasn't asking for a gift or a lot of hoopla. Really, I would have been happy just to have a card handed to me! Just remember me!

I went to the store and bought Chrissy a catnip mouse. She is adorable as she is running around the apartment looking for the mouse. She makes me smile watching her play. I could probably say she is my best friend. If it's possible for a person to have a cat as there best friend. I'm going to say it is. I couldn't live with out her.

4 comments:

The Bus Driver said...

wow....

on a side note.. one suggestion i have is the black writing is really hard to read against the red background.

Fire Fox said...

This is a very compelling story. It was me maybe 17 - 18 years ago. Can't wait to see your next post. I wonder if you could change the colors of the post? It is very hard to read the black against the red color. Keep writing. It's good to see such honesty.

T. Bettencourt said...

Hows the white instead of the black? Does it make it easier to read? Thank you so much for your input.. I was wondering about the same thing!

Fire Fox said...

much better! thank you

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