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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Chapter 7 - It Starts

Thursday, February 4th, 1988

I am running as fast as I can. The ground is covered in a foggy mist, hovering, keeping me from seeing my feet. I am lost and running trying to get home in the bitter coldness that is surrounding me. There are several door's in front of me and I frantically search for the one my key fits into. After trying several doors I finally come to the one that my key fits into. I am turning the knob, my heart pounding and as the door starts to open I stop. Fear overtakes me and I start to back up slowly. That is when it happens. A hand comes out of the door, just the hand, grabs me around the neck and pulls me into the house. I am kicking and screaming. People are now outside watching me. Laughing at me. I am inside, fighting to get free when the door slams shut!

I awake in a panic barely able to breath. Laying in bed, I glance at the clock. It is 4:42 am. Freezing, I reach for the covers and realize they have once again been taken by JP. I reach down and pull the small lap blanket that I have at my side of the bed and gently cover myself with the blanket. Careful not to wake up JP. I lay in bed, my toes frozen still uncovered, thinking of the dream I just had and wonder why. I haven't had such horrible nightmares since I was a small child.

Sunday, March 14th, 1988

"Hey lets go to the mall?" I ask as JP sits on the couch.

"Na," He grunts.

I plop myself down next to him. Not touching him but watching him. "Wanna go to the movies?"

"And see what?" He asks.

I know he will not see a 'chick flick', he likes the movies were people are killed in the first 2 minutes of the movie. "You chose! What ever movie you want."

"Na" He grunts again.

I'm frustrated. "I wanna do something." I whine

"Then clean the fucking house it's a mess!" He replies never taking his eyes off the television. The cars racing around in a circle I don't understand why someone would watch car's racing around a track.

"And what are you going to do?" I ask. Knowing fully well that he is going to sit around all day watching racing then go over to Ron's house and get stoned and drink himself into a stoned and drunken stupor then come home and want sex. He's getting a little predictable and we haven't even been married a year.

"Damit! You know I work hard all week! I just want to relax" He says as he turns in my direction. His eyes glaring at me.

"And I haven't? Worked all week at work and at home? I'm tired also and I wanna spend time with my husband." I said it as sweet as I could. Even if he wanted to go now, I know I wouldn't want to be around him for the rest of the day. He will now be in a really foul mood, all at my expense.

"poo" He waves his hand in the air as if dismissing me. "You do what you want."

"So then who will clean the house?" I might as well continue and make my point now.

"I have no problem with cleaning the house." He says, nearly blowing me over.

"Really? Well fool me, cause you never do it. I've never seen you clean the bathroom!"

His voice raises, "Fuck you! You want me to do it, just leave it, I'll do it when I have time!"

I stand off to the side of him watching him sitting there, watching cars drive around in a circle. I have no idea what he sees in this 'sport' as he calls it, but I know he won't 'have' time to clean the bathroom let alone just the toilet. He never does. Last time he told me to 'leave it' I did. 2 months later, totally disgusted I cleaned the toilet that was black inside. How he could sit on it let alone stand and pee as he watched it was beyond me. In fact, how can a man, that stands and pees into a toilet tell you he didn't notice 'it' was dirty? Don't you look at it everyday. I at least can say I was staring at the wall on the opposite side of the toilet.

I am sad and angery all at once. I had big plans for us. But I can't live here like this. Sometimes I think about disappearing and never coming back. I wonder if I would be missed. I would of course tell my parents where I went. But I wouldn't tell JP. I would move away and start a new life. Make friends with a whole new crowd and learn to be truly happy again. I am again dreaming. I'm tired of JP telling me I don't have any friends. My Goodness, how come I was always busy when I was single? Always had somewhere to go and something to do, and why do I spend all my time at work writing letters to my friends? JP pisses me off for what he says, I stay home to do his share of the work cause he never does it. If he wants me to do all the housework then he needs to make enough money and stop spending money like its water so I can just stay home.

All this anger and all I wanted was to spend a few hours with my husband. Is it not to much to ask for my husband to want to be with me or talk to me? The only conversation we ever have is me pulling information out of him. Sometimes I feel like I intentionally start a fight just so I can have someone to talk to.

Tuesday, April 12th, 1988

The woman downstairs from us, Dee Dee, is becoming a real pain. She has complained on us several times for running our dishwasher after 7pm and walking loudly. Does she even understand that when she slams her garage door every nite when she comes home at 2 in the morning she wakes us up? The door is directly under our bedroom. I should be used to the door slamming by now, but I jump each time I hear it. JP gets angry first at her for slamming it and waking him up, and then at me for jumping and startling him.

Last weekend she was playing her music very loud and I walked down to ask her to turn it down. She wouldn't open her door. The next day JP comes up here and tells me the woman down stairs thinks I'm a maniac. "Did you tell her that you were the one upset with her music? That the only reason I went down there was because you wanted her to turn it down?" I knew he didn't. JP walked away.

It's like this all the time. JP complains constantly about something and when I finally go and try to get it changed, so he will shut up and let it go, I am the one that is considered to be rude or mean. Yet, if I leave it and don't try and take care of what he is upset about, it gets intolerable in this house. I just can't seem to ever win. I'm just tired. No one seems to understand me. I mean I honestly try to get along with people. I talk so much I know they get sick of me.

I just need someone to talk to, or hold me. I don't think he cares for me as much, I know JP is upset with me. He always take me the wrong way? He says I'm always mean, rude or impolite to him when I was just trying to help him.

I truly believe its the Walloon/American differences. If we both were raised with the same background, we would probably get along with each other really well.

My nightmares are becoming worse. I rarely sleep anymore. I seem to always be dreaming about how I screwed up my life by getting married to this man.


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