Chapter 4 - Four Is A Crowd In Any Language!

Monday, November 2ND, 1987

JP has been nicer lately. He went out for a bike ride with Christophe yesterday. He has fun when he does that. We recently came into money. $4,200.00 for damages to my car, that were caused from the construction work on the road just outside our apartment. JP did the repairs on my car himself so we saved a lot of that money. I’d like to pay my car off and put the rest in a savings account. That would take a lot off my shoulder's. If we have no car payment we'd have 146.12 a month less to pay, maybe we could start to save for a new car.

JP has moved Christophe and Sabine in. They are living in our spare room. They speak French and very little English. In fact, the only time they speak English is when they are asking me for something. JP met them through a friend, they are trying to start a crepe restaurant here in the United States. So far they have ran into trouble with immigration. They came over on travel visa's and are having trouble getting work visa's. They can't open a restaurant without the proper visa's and our government wants to send them back to France. In a way it doesn't make sense, they have the money, they want no hand-outs from our government, but they are being sent back home. I don't understand.

JP said they could stay with us, without asking me. I came home from work last week and they were already moved in. My items from the main bathroom were dumped on the counter in our master bathroom. My kitchen was reorganized and when I walked in the door Christophe was cooking dinner for everyone. For once JP was home!!

Part of me was elated! I would have more time with JP at home! But, so far, the time he is at home it utterly lonely. They speak only in french and only translate when I ask what they are talking about. Sabine and Christophe try to tell me in English, but JP just tells me I won't understand it, or it can't be translated into English. "There is no way of saying it in English!" I sit like a 'good' wife on the couch next to JP, wishing he would reach out and hold me like Christophe does to Sabine. He never does. I asked him to move his arm and nestled myself down into the crook of his shoulder, it felt good, like I was protected and being loved. It lasted 5 minutes, he told me to move, his arm was falling asleep.

We sit down to eat dinner. Crepe's! They looked delicious and for once I was relieved I didn't have to worry about what to cook. This had to be a win-win situation. Or so I would think. We're all sitting at the dining room table. The food displayed out in the pots they were cook on (my mother would have put them on serving dishes) everyone starts to serve themselves. I reached over putting food on my plate, I was starving. JP is starring at me, I stop "What?" I ask immediately thinking I forgot something.

"You eat to much. That's why your so fat." He says.

Embarrassment wafts over my cheekbones. "I'm hungry, what am I supposed to do?" My 5'2 1/4 133 pound frame did have to much weight on it. I know JP is unhappy with my weight, he tells me whenever he can. But, here? in front of the guests or new roommates?

"You should eat like Sabine. You'd look good with her body!" He said as he pointed toward her plate.

Sabine was tall, very thin and her curly black hair fell perfectly on her very thin shoulders. I looked at her plate that was filled with vegetable's and wondered how she could live without trying her husband's cooking. Without taking a bite of what was on my plate, I stood up from the table, picked up the plate and walked over to the sink. I carefully brushed off the food and quietly put the dish in the sink. I turned toward the table, without looking at them said, "enjoy your dinner!" and walked to the bedroom. It wasn't the first time I would skip dinner and it wouldn't be the last. I start to silent cry - tears rolling down my face as I stand in front of the mirror. My large football shoulders, stomach that poofs out now matter how many sit-ups I do and my thighs rub together no matter how much I loose. He is right, I am fat and ugly! My hunger is gone, I am now sick to my stomach. I lay on the bed, Chrissy curls her body in a ball by my shoulders and starts to purr. I lay petting her and crying into her fur.

Tuesday, November 3rd, 1987

5:30 AM Wake up, Shower/Get Ready
7:15 AM Leave for work
8:00 AM Work
5:00 PM Go home
5:30 PM Get home, pick up the house, cook dinner, clean up
8:00 PM Rest for an hour
9:00 PM Go to bed

I should just give up! I wish I was Sabine. She is beautiful, tan, skinny and she makes me wish I was her. I'm not the jealous type, but with her I get furious! It feels like she is coming between JP and I. This whole thing is just so stupid. I come home I’m lucky if he asks me how my day is. They speak French to each other only and I am left out. They talk constantly to each other, but JP won't even talk to me! I spend all my spare time trying to learn French. When I try to practice what I have learned JP just laughs at me. Says I butcher his language, or asks me to repeat it over and over and laughs with his friends saying he doesn't know what language I am speaking. But its not french!

He doesn't understand how difficult the language is for me! I was born Tongue Tied. Speaking English was a challenge in itself for me. My brain is saying the words correctly but by the time the words get to my mouth they don't come out the same way. My parent's spent years taking me to speech therapy, each session was practicing 'R' and the 'ing' words. In fact, every time I said Bird to the therapist it would come out as bored. But when I said Bored, it came out bird. So at the age of 7 I made my first mental note to switch those 2 words. From that point on whenever I said Bored - I was really saying bird. I just had to remember to spell them correctly when they were on a spelling test.

Now, as I sit here in front of the French language books and realize I am doomed. The whole language is full of the letter 'R'! I have no support and again people are laughing at me for the way I pronounce words!

I’m sick of always doing things on my own. I need help! I need a husband, the husband I thought I was marrying. He works all week and says he works on Saturday. He is off on Sunday and leaves me saying he deserves time to play. Why doesn't he want to play with me? It was all I could do to get him to go shopping for his son's birthday present. "I can't I’m busy" was his first excuse, his second "I going to get my hair appointment." I signed his name to the card and sent it off. I'm getting good at signing his name!

I need to keep myself busy. I could go drive to Jennifer's for lunch or dinner. Or call Aunt Hazel or Mom and if they aren't busy have lunch with them. Start shopping for Christmas. Go to San Francisco for the day looking for bargains in the clothing district. Maybe find something nice at the Gunne Sak outlet. Maybe go to Mervyn's or Macy's and then a movie. My gosh the guy is to busy for me, that’s okay, I just have to keep myself busy also. I could get a book and go to a park and read it, or shop for a stationary bike that fits me and I could get exercise. Visit my grandfather in Castro Valley. I need to fill up my weekends. I should call the Country Club soon and see if they have extra work. The money would do us well and be a productive thing to do.

My God this life has a lot of places to go in it. Some day's I'll find something to do and some day's I will be bored (bird). I’m not married. I just happen to have roommates, one of which I am having sexual relations with him at times. They speak French, they don't understand English very well. Our communication is horrid when it comes to talking to me. This is it! I'm tired of trying to move in this life thinking about everyone else's feelings but my own. Samantha, your on your own! Plan your weekends for fun!

Sometimes I feel our marriage would be perfect if we would not live with anyone else.



Thursday, November 5th, 1987

JP did it again. He got another ticket. This time for driving the wrong way on a one way street! They also said his license was suspended in July and they never notified us. There goes the money I was trying to save. The thought of a family or a house. I just can't seem to catch a break!

I want the 'friends' of ours to leave. They are driving me nuts. JP sits on the couch and has Sabine wait on him hand and foot. She does all the cooking and cleaning for him. She brings him his dinner right to where he is. He raves about her constantly. I can't compete! It feels like I'm not even here most of the time. I don’t talk much anymore, no one listens when I do. So I just give up. I didn't dream of having this life when I was little. I wanted a family. The dream every girl has.

What I want:
I want my husband - That wants to be with me!
2 new cars - Paid for.
A home
A child or two - One Girl!
A comfortable life - Out of debt!
To visit Belgium.

How do I get this?