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Friday, May 15, 2009

Chapter 8 - I'm Insane

Wednesday, April 13th, 1988

I'm not doing good right now.

How do you know when your going insane? Is there a moment in time when you realize it and you know that's when you need to seek help? And when you come to that moment will you know it? When you know it, who do you call? Who is the person you call and ask for help?

Oh God I think I am going insane!

I can't sleep, I can't calm down, and I don't know what to do. JP and I aren't doing really good right now. I really think I need help, but I don't know what to do. It's all my fault! I'm supposed to do it whenever he wants it right? How do wives do it just at a moments notice? What happens when they don't want to or really do have a headache? How do they still do it?

JP wanted to have sex last night and I just plain wasn't in the mood. I should have known the consequences it would have had on me. I should have just done it, It would have made him happy and I wouldn't be feeling this way. He is so upset with me, not the 'I'm going to ignore you upset', he's letting me know every chance he gets that I'm a bitch and a cunt and I'm selfish!

I wanna go home, sit in my sweats with a bowl of ice cream and sit outside. I wanna eat ice cream while I watch the car's pass by on the street behind me. People watch as they go on their nightly walk. It sounds simple and heavenly, but I'm to scared to go home. I don't want to be in the apartment all by myself, I want to be with my husband having him hold me in his arms, touching me. I want the feeling of safety, the feeling that no one will hurt me and that I am safe.

I am scared.

I'm sacred that if he is home he will continue to yell at me and call me names.

I'm scared that if he isn't home I will start to cry and I will never be able to stop.

Oh god who do I call for help?

Thursday, April 14th, 1988

I'm still hurting, It seems to be a constant pain now. It's upsetting, is this the way I will be the rest of my life? I feel like running to my Mommy's, but Mommy is hours away. Besides I need to handle this myself. My world is falling apart!!

The woman down stairs is upset with me. JP told me she was very rude to him telling him that I better just mind my own business. I don't know what that means. Other then knocking on her door awhile ago about her music, I keep to myself!

Stacie next door to her used to be my friend, or so I thought. She's upset with me now, that I wouldn't tell her what was going on. I told her I didn't know but she shrugged me off and went to Dee Dee's apartment to talk to her. JP is right, my friends just use me. When they don't get what they want, they don't want to be friends with me.

JP is mad at me still. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. What happens if he leaves me? What do I do? Is he only with me so he can get his green card? What happens after he gets it? Will he leave me? Why does it seem like everyone I used to be friends with now is telling me I'm a horrible person? I know I treat JP like shit, I know he doesn't like it when I talk so much and 'build a clock' as he says. Chrissy is always climbing all over me meowing for attention. I can never seem to give her enough attention. I'm a horrible person I would be a horrible mother. Oh god, I am so glad I am not a mother, I would be a terrible one! I'm just so lonely all the time.

Forget it if they don't want to be friends with me. I have lots of things that could keep me busy. I could join a group, I have a lot of spare time. A group would be good, if I knew how to join one. I don't need friends. What I need is to learn to keep my mouth shut. Speak only when spoken to, and say only what is needed to say. I can't afford to hurt my marriage anymore then it is. It's 6:40pm, he hasn't called. Is he going to come home? Or has he found someone better and left me for her? Leaving me with all the bills.

I wish I was stupid. I wish I was a stupid blond girl who was married to a man that took care of everything for her.

Why do people misunderstand me? Why don't they want to get to know me? Why does it always seem to backfire on me when I try and make friends with them? It's 6:50pm, he still hasn't called. I want him to come home, be with me. I promise to be in the mood when he does, or at least pretend I am.

Saturday, April 16th, 1988

I'm tired of it! I'm just fed up and sick of all the fighting everywhere. I'm just going to sit here and wait for JP to leave me. Really there isn't much more I can do! I love him so much, but this treatment is tearing me up. I know I love him, if I didn't our fights wouldn't hurt so much. Everyone has called me Bitch or told me I am just rude when I say good morning to them. I'm beginning to believe them. I really can't argue with them, I can't remember being rude to them or mean, but they really seem to be mad at me. I never used to be like this before, I never used to get into arguments ever. Unless it was with Jennifer, but aren't we supposed to fight with our sisters? I don't think they realized just how much they hurt me when they said those things to me. I don't have the foggiest idea how I can change to make it better. I don't want to hurt anyone else like this, but how do I make sure I don't do this thing I did to someone else?

I'm not sure about my future. I'm just going to take it day by day right now. My cat and me! That's all I have. If he wants to leave me, I don't know what I would do. I would have to move that's for sure. I can't afford this place on my own. I'm scared to talk to him, if I say the wrong thing I'm scared he will get mad. He likes to hit me when he gets mad. Most of all I'm scared to do something that will make him leave me.

When we first got together I used to go out all the time and visit with my friends. He would just sit at home. I felt so horrible that he was home alone so I stopped going out. All my friends are now off with other friends and what do you know, JP now starts going out, now that I'm home all the time. What is the balance? Aren't I supposed to be home, making a home for us? Aren't I supposed to find this fulfilling and be happy about it?

I seriously wish I knew who to call when I needed help! I can't even afford to have a break down. I'm sure even that costs money. Money I just don't have, I'm still paying off credit cards I don't even have use of!


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