Chapter 3 - Fighting Back!

Monday, October 5th, 1987

Jon Paul thinks I’m unhappy over money and he's all wrong. Money just makes life harder. I just want to know how he really feels about me. God knows for all I know he could have come here, married me and divorced me when he’s a citizen. Then bring his first wife and kid over here. Except for the fact she just got married. Maybe she got tired of waiting.. See my immagination is just grand!

The woman next door just told me she is pregnant again. Third child! She looked so happy. I bet she's not lonely. She doesn't eat dinner alone at night. She doesn't sit around waiting for her husband to come home just so she could talk to someone other then her cat Chrissy. I don't think she even has a cat.

Sometimes I wonder if having a child would bring us closer together? I wouldn't be so lonely all the time, thats for sure. I could love someone, be loved!


Sunday, October 25Th, 1987

The time has changed. It looks awfully weird, like the darkness is hovering over the apartment. I keep hoping it will mask my loneliness! But, lonliness is all I seem to be feeling lately. I am determined that today is different. JP left with Jude today. Saying he will be back later I decided to spend the day cleaning the apartment perfectly! There is no dust or garbage anywhere! Dinner is in the oven staying warm and I am sure he will love it!

He looks so happy when he walks in the door. My hopes grow high that tonight will be a good night. He throws his keys on the counter and sits at the table opening yesterdays mail. "There's something there I don't understand, from a bank." I tell him.

"Ya, I helped Jude get a loan."

I stop in my tracks. I already have trouble paying the rent and the many credit cards that he has opened. I don't trust Jude to make a payment on anything, let a lone one we have signed for. "You cosigned for a loan for him?" I try hard to keep my tone in line and mask the suprise and anger over my face.

"Ya, he asked me too."

"You didn't ask me-" I stopped in mid sentance. I know better. JP pushes his chair back as he stands up.

"I don't need to ask you to help my friend get a loan."

He is in front of me now. We are standing in the kitchen and I feel it, I am done, fed up! "Yes, you do! We are still married. If he doesn't pay we're responsible for that loan. You should have asked-" My voice raised to near yelling and I am shaking.

"Fuck you," He screams back at me "I'm a grown man, I don't need a mother to tell me what I can do. Jude is like a brother to me, he'll pay."

"Who am I?" I screamed back. He stands there starring at me. "Who am I?"

He turns to leave toward the bedroom and I step in his way. "I'm your wife!" I scream at him as I point to my chest.

His eyes turn black, his face expressionless. He grabs my shoulders and pushes me against the side of the creme colored refridgerater. "Fuck you Bitch!" My eyes wince and I fill with anger.

"Fuck you!" I scream back. I know I am wrong. I know I won't win, but something inside of me can not stop what I am doing. I stand against the refridgerator, my shoulders held against it and my face full of anger as I stare him down. He is still for a moment, then let's my shoulder's go, turns to grab his keys and slams the front door as he leaves the apartment!

"I am your wife!" I scream as the door slams behind him.



Monday, October 26th, 1987

JP lied to me! He told me we would only be responsible for 6 weeks. I called the bank today, on my break, and we are responsible for 1 year! 1 YEAR! The man went on to say that if Jude misses just 2 payments then it will ruin our credit. That would blow our chances for buying a house or a new car. Bull shit JP! You follow Jude like a puppy dog, you would do anything for him, but for me, your own wife, I get nothing! I sit here, wishing I could call him and tell him I know he lied to me, point it out like he does each time to me, but deep down inside I know that would be wrong. JP tells me I don't know what having a friend is like. Maybe he is right. I tried to get friends, but he tells me that all my friends just want to use me.

I feel like I'm circling! I can't talk to JP. I am lonely. I wish he would call me, send me flower's or something. I have so many thoughts in my head they are all getting confused and jumbled. I just want to forget everything, I can't handle this. I want to be able to love and trust him, yet, I feel so stupid right now. Does he still love me? If he doesn't please just tell me. I just want to be loved by someone other then a cat. The calls at work are slow, I pick up the phone and call JP's work. He comes to the phone and I quietly tell him "I know you lied to me, I called the bank. We are responsible for that loan for 1 year! Don't lie to me again or I swear I will leave!" I hang up. I have no idea were I’d go, if I was to leave. But, I can’t stay here and put up with this anymore. I’m like a spec of dust in a twilight of shadows, always searching for truth. No matter what I say nothing matters to him. I want to cry so bad just open up and let everything come out. I concentrate on work, and counting the minute's as they pass. I contemplate on calling the country club back and see if they have any openings for a coat check girl.