Saturday, November 7th, 1987
I have the house to myself when I get back from grocery shopping. I'm never left a note, as to where they might be or be coming home. But I don't have to worry about dinner. I am sure Sabine will wait on JP as always. I sit at the dining room table staring at the bank building when JP walks in the door. He is alone. I try to assess his mood as he throws his keys on the counter. "What's for dinner?" He asks.
"I don't know. Sabine isn't here -" He interupts me.
"They're gone." He quips at me.
I am thrown through a loop. "What do you mean 'they're gone?'" I ask.
"You don't understand English now?" His accent is horribly strong with all the french he has been speaking lately. "They gone. Left! Didn't like you! Like no body like's you!"
My brain is whirling a mile a minute now. I look down the hall and notice their suitcases aren't in the guest room. "Don't be so mean!" I say in a snotty voice. "No one told me they were leaving" I feel like I'm in a daze, trying to gain my stance. An hour ago I was the invisible woman living in this house. What do I do now?
"Make my dinner, bitch!" He orders like he is a king.
"Stop talking to me like that!" I say in a demanding voice. Calming down, "It hurts me when you call me bad words." I'm hoping in a moment of love he will realize what he is doing and stop. I am wrong.
He get's up to my face and starring at me, wave's me off saying "Why do you think I call you those names, bitch?" He walks to the living room sits on the couch and orders me. "Bitch, make my dinner, bitch!"
I grab my purse and fish inside for my keys, I am done. "No! Make it yourself. I'm outta here!" I call out as I head to the door. I am determined, I am leaving.
I am met by Jon Paul, 3 feet from the door. His body slams me against the coat closet doors, his face 1 inch from mine, his eyes now black. "Who the fuck you are?" He yells at me. His breath smells of stahl nictoine as his hands are pushing my shoulders into the wooden doors. "Who the fuck you are?" He screams again.
I am to scared to speak. Words cease to come to my mind. I stand motionless as he is hovering over me.
"That's what I thought!" He yells into my face. "You're nothing! You're lucky I put up with your shit." He pushes me to the ground. Still standing over me, yelling in his Waloon accent. "Look at you! You think a man wants to marry someone like this? You pathetic, sorry bitch. Your fucking lucky I'm taking care of you. Your own family doesn't like you!"
He reaches down and grabs for the keys I am holding in my hand. I hold on tight to them. Curled up in a ball on the floor he pushes my right shoulder down as he grabs for the keys in my left hand and he yanks. I let out a yelp. He bends down close to my ear. Still holding my shoulder "your not fucking leaving me bitch!" he says. "You keep this shit up and I will kill you!" He throws my keys across the room. I try to listen to where they land, as he turns to walk away he kicks my foot.
I am left in the hallway. Close to freedom but with no place to go or way of living. I am far from any friend or parent. Jon Paul goes to the couch sit's down and looks at me "Get out of my site bitch." I pull myself up and walk into the guest room.
I sit on the edge of the bed starring at the wall. I rock myself back and forth trying to breath. The tears are flowing, I can't stop them. I can't stop from shaking either. What have I done? I think about calling the police, but why would they help me. I took him back the first time he did this. Would the same officers show up? or would they be different ones? Would they know about me? Would they even believe me about what just happened? I race through my brain looking for idea's of what to do and nothing comes. I have done this to myself. This is my doing!
I slide off the end of the bed to the floor. I am silent crying, again using my shirt as my tissue. For the first time, I have no idea's.
Monday, November 9th 1987
In the midst of saving my marriage I finally found out what he wants. A dummy girl! Not to dumb. One that keeps the house super clean. Cooks his dinner and serve's him. One not to speek until spoken too. Unless, to make him more comfortable, or to sit next to him and be there for him (but not touch him).
He doesn’t want to be bothered by unimportant stuff. I am not to speak in public, nor in private. I am not to say anything what so ever that might anger him. He is a volcano about to erupt. I am to be ready to leave at the blink of an eye for any endeavor of his choosing. With no question's ever asked.
Yesterday we went to Oakland to see Jude. I was a good girl. I didn't speak. I followed the rules. I was nice to Jude and JP thought I was angry with him. 'Not angry honey, just scared for my life' I thought. Sometimes its hard to sit there and have him make fun of me when I can't fight back. What is supposed to happen to me now? I am used to taking care of myself, now I can't make a move without his approval.
I have to go pee. I wonder when he will let me do that?
Wednesday, November 11th, 1987
I don’t think people understand what it really takes to be married to a Belgium man. A lot of patients, that's for sure.
I was thinking the other day about publishing these books but how could I publish my married life?
Friday, November 13th, 1987
I have been trying awfully hard to do what JP boy wants. Sometimes I forget and I open my mouth. It is important for me for my marriage to work. I’d like to have a family someday.
Sunday November 15th, 1987
We had sex. It seems to be the only time I can have anyone hug me. I miss the hugs my mother would give me for no reason other then she was passing me in the hall. JP got up and went to Rons house to smoke pot. Why does it disturb me when he does that? You don't have to do drugs to have fun in life! I have tried to tell him, but I am the powerless one. He is the one that wears the pants in this family.
If he would only put them on.
I raised my voice this evening. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw his hand twitch, as if he wanted to hit me. I feel like a target. Him being the loaded gun. Me the paper person dangling in front of him. The gun goes off and I die. That scares me. You know, one minute everything is fine, the next word I say - I'm dead. But let’s face the facts, I’m a crazy woman whom loves her husband. Consider it a task if I die from natural causes. I win. If not I lose.
Good morals win a game Sammy!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Chapter 4 - Four Is A Crowd In Any Language!
Monday, November 2ND, 1987
JP has been nicer lately. He went out for a bike ride with Christophe yesterday. He has fun when he does that. We recently came into money. $4,200.00 for damages to my car, that were caused from the construction work on the road just outside our apartment. JP did the repairs on my car himself so we saved a lot of that money. I’d like to pay my car off and put the rest in a savings account. That would take a lot off my shoulder's. If we have no car payment we'd have 146.12 a month less to pay, maybe we could start to save for a new car.
JP has moved Christophe and Sabine in. They are living in our spare room. They speak French and very little English. In fact, the only time they speak English is when they are asking me for something. JP met them through a friend, they are trying to start a crepe restaurant here in the United States. So far they have ran into trouble with immigration. They came over on travel visa's and are having trouble getting work visa's. They can't open a restaurant without the proper visa's and our government wants to send them back to France. In a way it doesn't make sense, they have the money, they want no hand-outs from our government, but they are being sent back home. I don't understand.
JP said they could stay with us, without asking me. I came home from work last week and they were already moved in. My items from the main bathroom were dumped on the counter in our master bathroom. My kitchen was reorganized and when I walked in the door Christophe was cooking dinner for everyone. For once JP was home!!
Part of me was elated! I would have more time with JP at home! But, so far, the time he is at home it utterly lonely. They speak only in french and only translate when I ask what they are talking about. Sabine and Christophe try to tell me in English, but JP just tells me I won't understand it, or it can't be translated into English. "There is no way of saying it in English!" I sit like a 'good' wife on the couch next to JP, wishing he would reach out and hold me like Christophe does to Sabine. He never does. I asked him to move his arm and nestled myself down into the crook of his shoulder, it felt good, like I was protected and being loved. It lasted 5 minutes, he told me to move, his arm was falling asleep.
We sit down to eat dinner. Crepe's! They looked delicious and for once I was relieved I didn't have to worry about what to cook. This had to be a win-win situation. Or so I would think. We're all sitting at the dining room table. The food displayed out in the pots they were cook on (my mother would have put them on serving dishes) everyone starts to serve themselves. I reached over putting food on my plate, I was starving. JP is starring at me, I stop "What?" I ask immediately thinking I forgot something.
"You eat to much. That's why your so fat." He says.
Embarrassment wafts over my cheekbones. "I'm hungry, what am I supposed to do?" My 5'2 1/4 133 pound frame did have to much weight on it. I know JP is unhappy with my weight, he tells me whenever he can. But, here? in front of the guests or new roommates?
"You should eat like Sabine. You'd look good with her body!" He said as he pointed toward her plate.
Sabine was tall, very thin and her curly black hair fell perfectly on her very thin shoulders. I looked at her plate that was filled with vegetable's and wondered how she could live without trying her husband's cooking. Without taking a bite of what was on my plate, I stood up from the table, picked up the plate and walked over to the sink. I carefully brushed off the food and quietly put the dish in the sink. I turned toward the table, without looking at them said, "enjoy your dinner!" and walked to the bedroom. It wasn't the first time I would skip dinner and it wouldn't be the last. I start to silent cry - tears rolling down my face as I stand in front of the mirror. My large football shoulders, stomach that poofs out now matter how many sit-ups I do and my thighs rub together no matter how much I loose. He is right, I am fat and ugly! My hunger is gone, I am now sick to my stomach. I lay on the bed, Chrissy curls her body in a ball by my shoulders and starts to purr. I lay petting her and crying into her fur.
Tuesday, November 3rd, 1987
5:30 AM Wake up, Shower/Get Ready
7:15 AM Leave for work
8:00 AM Work
5:00 PM Go home
5:30 PM Get home, pick up the house, cook dinner, clean up
8:00 PM Rest for an hour
9:00 PM Go to bed
I should just give up! I wish I was Sabine. She is beautiful, tan, skinny and she makes me wish I was her. I'm not the jealous type, but with her I get furious! It feels like she is coming between JP and I. This whole thing is just so stupid. I come home I’m lucky if he asks me how my day is. They speak French to each other only and I am left out. They talk constantly to each other, but JP won't even talk to me! I spend all my spare time trying to learn French. When I try to practice what I have learned JP just laughs at me. Says I butcher his language, or asks me to repeat it over and over and laughs with his friends saying he doesn't know what language I am speaking. But its not french!
He doesn't understand how difficult the language is for me! I was born Tongue Tied. Speaking English was a challenge in itself for me. My brain is saying the words correctly but by the time the words get to my mouth they don't come out the same way. My parent's spent years taking me to speech therapy, each session was practicing 'R' and the 'ing' words. In fact, every time I said Bird to the therapist it would come out as bored. But when I said Bored, it came out bird. So at the age of 7 I made my first mental note to switch those 2 words. From that point on whenever I said Bored - I was really saying bird. I just had to remember to spell them correctly when they were on a spelling test.
Now, as I sit here in front of the French language books and realize I am doomed. The whole language is full of the letter 'R'! I have no support and again people are laughing at me for the way I pronounce words!
I’m sick of always doing things on my own. I need help! I need a husband, the husband I thought I was marrying. He works all week and says he works on Saturday. He is off on Sunday and leaves me saying he deserves time to play. Why doesn't he want to play with me? It was all I could do to get him to go shopping for his son's birthday present. "I can't I’m busy" was his first excuse, his second "I going to get my hair appointment." I signed his name to the card and sent it off. I'm getting good at signing his name!
I need to keep myself busy. I could go drive to Jennifer's for lunch or dinner. Or call Aunt Hazel or Mom and if they aren't busy have lunch with them. Start shopping for Christmas. Go to San Francisco for the day looking for bargains in the clothing district. Maybe find something nice at the Gunne Sak outlet. Maybe go to Mervyn's or Macy's and then a movie. My gosh the guy is to busy for me, that’s okay, I just have to keep myself busy also. I could get a book and go to a park and read it, or shop for a stationary bike that fits me and I could get exercise. Visit my grandfather in Castro Valley. I need to fill up my weekends. I should call the Country Club soon and see if they have extra work. The money would do us well and be a productive thing to do.
My God this life has a lot of places to go in it. Some day's I'll find something to do and some day's I will be bored (bird). I’m not married. I just happen to have roommates, one of which I am having sexual relations with him at times. They speak French, they don't understand English very well. Our communication is horrid when it comes to talking to me. This is it! I'm tired of trying to move in this life thinking about everyone else's feelings but my own. Samantha, your on your own! Plan your weekends for fun!
Sometimes I feel our marriage would be perfect if we would not live with anyone else.
Thursday, November 5th, 1987
JP did it again. He got another ticket. This time for driving the wrong way on a one way street! They also said his license was suspended in July and they never notified us. There goes the money I was trying to save. The thought of a family or a house. I just can't seem to catch a break!
I want the 'friends' of ours to leave. They are driving me nuts. JP sits on the couch and has Sabine wait on him hand and foot. She does all the cooking and cleaning for him. She brings him his dinner right to where he is. He raves about her constantly. I can't compete! It feels like I'm not even here most of the time. I don’t talk much anymore, no one listens when I do. So I just give up. I didn't dream of having this life when I was little. I wanted a family. The dream every girl has.
What I want:
I want my husband - That wants to be with me!
2 new cars - Paid for.
A home
A child or two - One Girl!
A comfortable life - Out of debt!
To visit Belgium.
How do I get this?
JP has been nicer lately. He went out for a bike ride with Christophe yesterday. He has fun when he does that. We recently came into money. $4,200.00 for damages to my car, that were caused from the construction work on the road just outside our apartment. JP did the repairs on my car himself so we saved a lot of that money. I’d like to pay my car off and put the rest in a savings account. That would take a lot off my shoulder's. If we have no car payment we'd have 146.12 a month less to pay, maybe we could start to save for a new car.
JP has moved Christophe and Sabine in. They are living in our spare room. They speak French and very little English. In fact, the only time they speak English is when they are asking me for something. JP met them through a friend, they are trying to start a crepe restaurant here in the United States. So far they have ran into trouble with immigration. They came over on travel visa's and are having trouble getting work visa's. They can't open a restaurant without the proper visa's and our government wants to send them back to France. In a way it doesn't make sense, they have the money, they want no hand-outs from our government, but they are being sent back home. I don't understand.
JP said they could stay with us, without asking me. I came home from work last week and they were already moved in. My items from the main bathroom were dumped on the counter in our master bathroom. My kitchen was reorganized and when I walked in the door Christophe was cooking dinner for everyone. For once JP was home!!
Part of me was elated! I would have more time with JP at home! But, so far, the time he is at home it utterly lonely. They speak only in french and only translate when I ask what they are talking about. Sabine and Christophe try to tell me in English, but JP just tells me I won't understand it, or it can't be translated into English. "There is no way of saying it in English!" I sit like a 'good' wife on the couch next to JP, wishing he would reach out and hold me like Christophe does to Sabine. He never does. I asked him to move his arm and nestled myself down into the crook of his shoulder, it felt good, like I was protected and being loved. It lasted 5 minutes, he told me to move, his arm was falling asleep.
We sit down to eat dinner. Crepe's! They looked delicious and for once I was relieved I didn't have to worry about what to cook. This had to be a win-win situation. Or so I would think. We're all sitting at the dining room table. The food displayed out in the pots they were cook on (my mother would have put them on serving dishes) everyone starts to serve themselves. I reached over putting food on my plate, I was starving. JP is starring at me, I stop "What?" I ask immediately thinking I forgot something.
"You eat to much. That's why your so fat." He says.
Embarrassment wafts over my cheekbones. "I'm hungry, what am I supposed to do?" My 5'2 1/4 133 pound frame did have to much weight on it. I know JP is unhappy with my weight, he tells me whenever he can. But, here? in front of the guests or new roommates?
"You should eat like Sabine. You'd look good with her body!" He said as he pointed toward her plate.
Sabine was tall, very thin and her curly black hair fell perfectly on her very thin shoulders. I looked at her plate that was filled with vegetable's and wondered how she could live without trying her husband's cooking. Without taking a bite of what was on my plate, I stood up from the table, picked up the plate and walked over to the sink. I carefully brushed off the food and quietly put the dish in the sink. I turned toward the table, without looking at them said, "enjoy your dinner!" and walked to the bedroom. It wasn't the first time I would skip dinner and it wouldn't be the last. I start to silent cry - tears rolling down my face as I stand in front of the mirror. My large football shoulders, stomach that poofs out now matter how many sit-ups I do and my thighs rub together no matter how much I loose. He is right, I am fat and ugly! My hunger is gone, I am now sick to my stomach. I lay on the bed, Chrissy curls her body in a ball by my shoulders and starts to purr. I lay petting her and crying into her fur.
Tuesday, November 3rd, 1987
5:30 AM Wake up, Shower/Get Ready
7:15 AM Leave for work
8:00 AM Work
5:00 PM Go home
5:30 PM Get home, pick up the house, cook dinner, clean up
8:00 PM Rest for an hour
9:00 PM Go to bed
I should just give up! I wish I was Sabine. She is beautiful, tan, skinny and she makes me wish I was her. I'm not the jealous type, but with her I get furious! It feels like she is coming between JP and I. This whole thing is just so stupid. I come home I’m lucky if he asks me how my day is. They speak French to each other only and I am left out. They talk constantly to each other, but JP won't even talk to me! I spend all my spare time trying to learn French. When I try to practice what I have learned JP just laughs at me. Says I butcher his language, or asks me to repeat it over and over and laughs with his friends saying he doesn't know what language I am speaking. But its not french!
He doesn't understand how difficult the language is for me! I was born Tongue Tied. Speaking English was a challenge in itself for me. My brain is saying the words correctly but by the time the words get to my mouth they don't come out the same way. My parent's spent years taking me to speech therapy, each session was practicing 'R' and the 'ing' words. In fact, every time I said Bird to the therapist it would come out as bored. But when I said Bored, it came out bird. So at the age of 7 I made my first mental note to switch those 2 words. From that point on whenever I said Bored - I was really saying bird. I just had to remember to spell them correctly when they were on a spelling test.
Now, as I sit here in front of the French language books and realize I am doomed. The whole language is full of the letter 'R'! I have no support and again people are laughing at me for the way I pronounce words!
I’m sick of always doing things on my own. I need help! I need a husband, the husband I thought I was marrying. He works all week and says he works on Saturday. He is off on Sunday and leaves me saying he deserves time to play. Why doesn't he want to play with me? It was all I could do to get him to go shopping for his son's birthday present. "I can't I’m busy" was his first excuse, his second "I going to get my hair appointment." I signed his name to the card and sent it off. I'm getting good at signing his name!
I need to keep myself busy. I could go drive to Jennifer's for lunch or dinner. Or call Aunt Hazel or Mom and if they aren't busy have lunch with them. Start shopping for Christmas. Go to San Francisco for the day looking for bargains in the clothing district. Maybe find something nice at the Gunne Sak outlet. Maybe go to Mervyn's or Macy's and then a movie. My gosh the guy is to busy for me, that’s okay, I just have to keep myself busy also. I could get a book and go to a park and read it, or shop for a stationary bike that fits me and I could get exercise. Visit my grandfather in Castro Valley. I need to fill up my weekends. I should call the Country Club soon and see if they have extra work. The money would do us well and be a productive thing to do.
My God this life has a lot of places to go in it. Some day's I'll find something to do and some day's I will be bored (bird). I’m not married. I just happen to have roommates, one of which I am having sexual relations with him at times. They speak French, they don't understand English very well. Our communication is horrid when it comes to talking to me. This is it! I'm tired of trying to move in this life thinking about everyone else's feelings but my own. Samantha, your on your own! Plan your weekends for fun!
Sometimes I feel our marriage would be perfect if we would not live with anyone else.
Thursday, November 5th, 1987
JP did it again. He got another ticket. This time for driving the wrong way on a one way street! They also said his license was suspended in July and they never notified us. There goes the money I was trying to save. The thought of a family or a house. I just can't seem to catch a break!
I want the 'friends' of ours to leave. They are driving me nuts. JP sits on the couch and has Sabine wait on him hand and foot. She does all the cooking and cleaning for him. She brings him his dinner right to where he is. He raves about her constantly. I can't compete! It feels like I'm not even here most of the time. I don’t talk much anymore, no one listens when I do. So I just give up. I didn't dream of having this life when I was little. I wanted a family. The dream every girl has.
What I want:
I want my husband - That wants to be with me!
2 new cars - Paid for.
A home
A child or two - One Girl!
A comfortable life - Out of debt!
To visit Belgium.
How do I get this?
Chapter 3 - Fighting Back!
Monday, October 5th, 1987
Jon Paul thinks I’m unhappy over money and he's all wrong. Money just makes life harder. I just want to know how he really feels about me. God knows for all I know he could have come here, married me and divorced me when he’s a citizen. Then bring his first wife and kid over here. Except for the fact she just got married. Maybe she got tired of waiting.. See my immagination is just grand!
The woman next door just told me she is pregnant again. Third child! She looked so happy. I bet she's not lonely. She doesn't eat dinner alone at night. She doesn't sit around waiting for her husband to come home just so she could talk to someone other then her cat Chrissy. I don't think she even has a cat.
Sometimes I wonder if having a child would bring us closer together? I wouldn't be so lonely all the time, thats for sure. I could love someone, be loved!
Sunday, October 25Th, 1987
The time has changed. It looks awfully weird, like the darkness is hovering over the apartment. I keep hoping it will mask my loneliness! But, lonliness is all I seem to be feeling lately. I am determined that today is different. JP left with Jude today. Saying he will be back later I decided to spend the day cleaning the apartment perfectly! There is no dust or garbage anywhere! Dinner is in the oven staying warm and I am sure he will love it!
He looks so happy when he walks in the door. My hopes grow high that tonight will be a good night. He throws his keys on the counter and sits at the table opening yesterdays mail. "There's something there I don't understand, from a bank." I tell him.
"Ya, I helped Jude get a loan."
I stop in my tracks. I already have trouble paying the rent and the many credit cards that he has opened. I don't trust Jude to make a payment on anything, let a lone one we have signed for. "You cosigned for a loan for him?" I try hard to keep my tone in line and mask the suprise and anger over my face.
"Ya, he asked me too."
"You didn't ask me-" I stopped in mid sentance. I know better. JP pushes his chair back as he stands up.
"I don't need to ask you to help my friend get a loan."
He is in front of me now. We are standing in the kitchen and I feel it, I am done, fed up! "Yes, you do! We are still married. If he doesn't pay we're responsible for that loan. You should have asked-" My voice raised to near yelling and I am shaking.
"Fuck you," He screams back at me "I'm a grown man, I don't need a mother to tell me what I can do. Jude is like a brother to me, he'll pay."
"Who am I?" I screamed back. He stands there starring at me. "Who am I?"
He turns to leave toward the bedroom and I step in his way. "I'm your wife!" I scream at him as I point to my chest.
His eyes turn black, his face expressionless. He grabs my shoulders and pushes me against the side of the creme colored refridgerater. "Fuck you Bitch!" My eyes wince and I fill with anger.
"Fuck you!" I scream back. I know I am wrong. I know I won't win, but something inside of me can not stop what I am doing. I stand against the refridgerator, my shoulders held against it and my face full of anger as I stare him down. He is still for a moment, then let's my shoulder's go, turns to grab his keys and slams the front door as he leaves the apartment!
"I am your wife!" I scream as the door slams behind him.
Monday, October 26th, 1987
JP lied to me! He told me we would only be responsible for 6 weeks. I called the bank today, on my break, and we are responsible for 1 year! 1 YEAR! The man went on to say that if Jude misses just 2 payments then it will ruin our credit. That would blow our chances for buying a house or a new car. Bull shit JP! You follow Jude like a puppy dog, you would do anything for him, but for me, your own wife, I get nothing! I sit here, wishing I could call him and tell him I know he lied to me, point it out like he does each time to me, but deep down inside I know that would be wrong. JP tells me I don't know what having a friend is like. Maybe he is right. I tried to get friends, but he tells me that all my friends just want to use me.
I feel like I'm circling! I can't talk to JP. I am lonely. I wish he would call me, send me flower's or something. I have so many thoughts in my head they are all getting confused and jumbled. I just want to forget everything, I can't handle this. I want to be able to love and trust him, yet, I feel so stupid right now. Does he still love me? If he doesn't please just tell me. I just want to be loved by someone other then a cat. The calls at work are slow, I pick up the phone and call JP's work. He comes to the phone and I quietly tell him "I know you lied to me, I called the bank. We are responsible for that loan for 1 year! Don't lie to me again or I swear I will leave!" I hang up. I have no idea were I’d go, if I was to leave. But, I can’t stay here and put up with this anymore. I’m like a spec of dust in a twilight of shadows, always searching for truth. No matter what I say nothing matters to him. I want to cry so bad just open up and let everything come out. I concentrate on work, and counting the minute's as they pass. I contemplate on calling the country club back and see if they have any openings for a coat check girl.
Jon Paul thinks I’m unhappy over money and he's all wrong. Money just makes life harder. I just want to know how he really feels about me. God knows for all I know he could have come here, married me and divorced me when he’s a citizen. Then bring his first wife and kid over here. Except for the fact she just got married. Maybe she got tired of waiting.. See my immagination is just grand!
The woman next door just told me she is pregnant again. Third child! She looked so happy. I bet she's not lonely. She doesn't eat dinner alone at night. She doesn't sit around waiting for her husband to come home just so she could talk to someone other then her cat Chrissy. I don't think she even has a cat.
Sometimes I wonder if having a child would bring us closer together? I wouldn't be so lonely all the time, thats for sure. I could love someone, be loved!
Sunday, October 25Th, 1987
The time has changed. It looks awfully weird, like the darkness is hovering over the apartment. I keep hoping it will mask my loneliness! But, lonliness is all I seem to be feeling lately. I am determined that today is different. JP left with Jude today. Saying he will be back later I decided to spend the day cleaning the apartment perfectly! There is no dust or garbage anywhere! Dinner is in the oven staying warm and I am sure he will love it!
He looks so happy when he walks in the door. My hopes grow high that tonight will be a good night. He throws his keys on the counter and sits at the table opening yesterdays mail. "There's something there I don't understand, from a bank." I tell him.
"Ya, I helped Jude get a loan."
I stop in my tracks. I already have trouble paying the rent and the many credit cards that he has opened. I don't trust Jude to make a payment on anything, let a lone one we have signed for. "You cosigned for a loan for him?" I try hard to keep my tone in line and mask the suprise and anger over my face.
"Ya, he asked me too."
"You didn't ask me-" I stopped in mid sentance. I know better. JP pushes his chair back as he stands up.
"I don't need to ask you to help my friend get a loan."
He is in front of me now. We are standing in the kitchen and I feel it, I am done, fed up! "Yes, you do! We are still married. If he doesn't pay we're responsible for that loan. You should have asked-" My voice raised to near yelling and I am shaking.
"Fuck you," He screams back at me "I'm a grown man, I don't need a mother to tell me what I can do. Jude is like a brother to me, he'll pay."
"Who am I?" I screamed back. He stands there starring at me. "Who am I?"
He turns to leave toward the bedroom and I step in his way. "I'm your wife!" I scream at him as I point to my chest.
His eyes turn black, his face expressionless. He grabs my shoulders and pushes me against the side of the creme colored refridgerater. "Fuck you Bitch!" My eyes wince and I fill with anger.
"Fuck you!" I scream back. I know I am wrong. I know I won't win, but something inside of me can not stop what I am doing. I stand against the refridgerator, my shoulders held against it and my face full of anger as I stare him down. He is still for a moment, then let's my shoulder's go, turns to grab his keys and slams the front door as he leaves the apartment!
"I am your wife!" I scream as the door slams behind him.
Monday, October 26th, 1987
JP lied to me! He told me we would only be responsible for 6 weeks. I called the bank today, on my break, and we are responsible for 1 year! 1 YEAR! The man went on to say that if Jude misses just 2 payments then it will ruin our credit. That would blow our chances for buying a house or a new car. Bull shit JP! You follow Jude like a puppy dog, you would do anything for him, but for me, your own wife, I get nothing! I sit here, wishing I could call him and tell him I know he lied to me, point it out like he does each time to me, but deep down inside I know that would be wrong. JP tells me I don't know what having a friend is like. Maybe he is right. I tried to get friends, but he tells me that all my friends just want to use me.
I feel like I'm circling! I can't talk to JP. I am lonely. I wish he would call me, send me flower's or something. I have so many thoughts in my head they are all getting confused and jumbled. I just want to forget everything, I can't handle this. I want to be able to love and trust him, yet, I feel so stupid right now. Does he still love me? If he doesn't please just tell me. I just want to be loved by someone other then a cat. The calls at work are slow, I pick up the phone and call JP's work. He comes to the phone and I quietly tell him "I know you lied to me, I called the bank. We are responsible for that loan for 1 year! Don't lie to me again or I swear I will leave!" I hang up. I have no idea were I’d go, if I was to leave. But, I can’t stay here and put up with this anymore. I’m like a spec of dust in a twilight of shadows, always searching for truth. No matter what I say nothing matters to him. I want to cry so bad just open up and let everything come out. I concentrate on work, and counting the minute's as they pass. I contemplate on calling the country club back and see if they have any openings for a coat check girl.